I Am Right and You Are Wrong I came across this photo a couple weeks ago as part of The 45 Most Powerful Images of 2011. The caption reads: Christians protect Muslims during prayer in Cairo, Egypt. As I paused to reflect on the image and all it means, I was reminded of something else.  Sadly, there are those in my own faith and a certain brand of Christianity that would take issue with the thought of protecting Muslims.  Because, after all, we are “right” and they are “wrong”.   It seems some people can’t move beyond this lowest level of thinking.  It consumes them.  They are always out to prove their “rightness.” Our political party is right and yours is wrong, on all accounts.  And, because of our self-convinced and overwhelming “rightness” we certainly won’t budge on any issue. Our method of “doing church” is right and yours is wrong.  Our tradition, song, worship style, discipleship model… all of the above. Our theological position on (insert just about any issue here) is right and therefore yours is wrong.  We have Scripture on our side to prove it. We throw down the gauntlet with a chip on our shoulder, daring anyone to challenge us.  Well, maybe it’s not that bad but all of us are guilty of this unloving attitude on some level. How many times has a mere disagreement between spouses escalated to full-blown argument as it moves beyond the issue at hand into the territory of who is right and who is wrong?  All my childish efforts to prove I’m right usually require someone else to be wrong.  But at what expense?  A deep cost in relationship and much much more. It’s ironic that the overarching narrative of the Bible is that God wants relationship with his people and they with each other.  In light of this truth, “being right” is of relative little importance.  It’s easy to miss the heart of God as we trumpet our position on the various issues. Are we so insecure in our beliefs that we must clamor (most of the time very loudly) for validation?  That is usually what is at the core.  The need for someone else to affirm us.  When we’ve been affirmed by Christ and have truly embraced it, there’s no need to go about attacking or defending. The older I get, the less concerned I am with being right.  I don’t have to defend anything.  It just is what it is.  I don’t feel the need to correct all the time.  I can disagree with others and still be in relationship.   Of course, I’ve not arrived.  I just have a growing disdain for this attitude in the political arena and especially amongst my own brothers and sisters.  I hate it most of all in me.  With love, temperance, and grace I hope to grow out of it completely.  If that’s not possible (I’m not sure it is), at least I want to recognize it way in the distance so I can abandon it before too much harm is done.
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I Am Right and You Are Wrong

I came across this photo a couple weeks ago as part of The 45 Most Powerful Images of 2011. The caption reads:

Christians protect Muslims during prayer in Cairo, Egypt.

As I paused to reflect on the image and all it means, I was reminded of something else.  Sadly, there are those in my own faith and a certain brand of Christianity that would take issue with the thought of protecting Muslims.  Because, after all, we are “right” and they are “wrong”.  

It seems some people can’t move beyond this lowest level of thinking.  It consumes them.  They are always out to prove their “rightness.”

  • Our political party is right and yours is wrong, on all accounts.  And, because of our self-convinced and overwhelming “rightness” we certainly won’t budge on any issue.
  • Our method of “doing church” is right and yours is wrong.  Our tradition, song, worship style, discipleship model… all of the above.
  • Our theological position on (insert just about any issue here) is right and therefore yours is wrong.  We have Scripture on our side to prove it.

We throw down the gauntlet with a chip on our shoulder, daring anyone to challenge us.  Well, maybe it’s not that bad but all of us are guilty of this unloving attitude on some level.

How many times has a mere disagreement between spouses escalated to full-blown argument as it moves beyond the issue at hand into the territory of who is right and who is wrong?  All my childish efforts to prove I’m right usually require someone else to be wrong.  But at what expense?  A deep cost in relationship and much much more.

It’s ironic that the overarching narrative of the Bible is that God wants relationship with his people and they with each other.  In light of this truth, “being right” is of relative little importance.  It’s easy to miss the heart of God as we trumpet our position on the various issues.

Are we so insecure in our beliefs that we must clamor (most of the time very loudly) for validation?  That is usually what is at the core.  The need for someone else to affirm us.  When we’ve been affirmed by Christ and have truly embraced it, there’s no need to go about attacking or defending.

The older I get, the less concerned I am with being right.  I don’t have to defend anything.  It just is what it is.  I don’t feel the need to correct all the time.  I can disagree with others and still be in relationship.  

Of course, I’ve not arrived.  I just have a growing disdain for this attitude in the political arena and especially amongst my own brothers and sisters.  I hate it most of all in me.  With love, temperance, and grace I hope to grow out of it completely.  If that’s not possible (I’m not sure it is), at least I want to recognize it way in the distance so I can abandon it before too much harm is done.

reblog: Where would we go? an iChat conversation

Originally posted April 30, 2009:

ME:  in spite of the failures and pain… we’ve been through some real life and here I am at this table and I look over and maria an ben are there
and all day long he’s been wathcing josiah videos on the ipod and asking questions about God and heaven
and life
and I’m like.. you’re five

FRIEND: HES YOUR SON

ME: and I’m just so thankful that we’re here
and not divorced or dead
or whatever…

FRIEND:  your an atchison

ME:  that in spite of it all… he’s a good God
he’s a good God

FRIEND: atchisons survive hell
you told us that

ME:  and he loves us… me… so much

FRIEND:  yeah he does
dude, he loves ME .. like .. . i have so much malice
and so much hate
and i dont want to
im just being real
and he still loves me,
shows me compassion

ME:  grace

FRIEND:  for sure

ME:  what a word

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  • 20 Plays
  • I Wanna Grow Old With YouAdam Sandler

“I Wanna Grow Old With You”

Check out the Old People Holding Hands blog and get a little inspiration to enjoy the “for better” moments and hang in there during “for worse” ones.  This one’s dedicated to the ever lovely Maria Atchison.

Love the person not the ideal… A couple weeks ago, my wife and I celebrated fourteen years of marriage. By no means a veteran couple of decades.  But, I can say after fourteen years of great joys and quite a few disappointments, the loss of a child and the toll it takes on the relationship, we have learned a lot. One of the things we’ve learned is to love the person and not the ideal. You know… the ideal of marriage or the ideal of who you think that person is or should be. ideal:adjective1 ideal flying weather: perfect, best possible, consummate, supreme, excellent, flawless, faultless, exemplary, classic, model, ultimate, quintessential. ANTONYMS bad. 2 an ideal concept: abstract, theoretical, conceptual, notional; hypothetical, speculative, conjectural, suppositional. ANTONYMS concrete. 3 an ideal world: unattainable, unachievable, impracticable, chimerical; unreal, fictitious, hypothetical, theoretical, ivory-towered, imaginary, illusory, idealized, idyllic, visionary, utopian, fairy-tale. ANTONYMS attainable, real. noun1 no woman could be the ideal he imagined for himself: perfection, paragon, epitome, shining example, ne plus ultra, nonpareil, dream. Most of the time when you marry, you don’t know who you are, much less who the other person really is.  And, marriage is going to change you.  It’s going to change them.  More accurately, it’s going to reveal the true person versus the person you’ve created in your head. There comes a moment in every relationship when you realize, “You’re not the person I married.”  Yes they are.  They’re not the ideal you married but make no mistake, they are the person. This is especially true for young couples going into “ministry.”  Here’s why: He has a persona that is expressed from behind the microphone or in that setting where his leadership “gifting” is being exhibited.  You are NOT marrying that.  You are marrying him and those are two different things. And, I’m sure she would make the perfect little pastor’s wife but those expectations come from outside.  They work their way in and take up residence.  And it’s toxic.  You are marrying her.  Not the ideal that together you’ll make a great team so you can go out, “grab the world by the tail, pull it down and put it in your pocket.” I think this can be true in every relationship.  Change the context and window dressing but you’ll still find the temptation to love the ideal and not the person.  And… you’ll… be… disappointed… every… time. Instead, toss all that stuff out and simply love the person.  Flaws and all.  Give grace and permission for them to simply be them.  That’s not to say you shouldn’t grow or work at becoming a better you. In fact, that’s the best gift you can give your family. That’s the best gift you can give to the world.  A better you.  But that’s the key.  A better you.  Not a better them.  Focus on that and I promise you’ll be happier, they’ll be happier, and the odds of becoming a veteran couple of decades will improve dramatically.
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Love the person not the ideal…

A couple weeks ago, my wife and I celebrated fourteen years of marriage. By no means a veteran couple of decades.  But, I can say after fourteen years of great joys and quite a few disappointments, the loss of a child and the toll it takes on the relationship, we have learned a lot.

One of the things we’ve learned is to love the person and not the ideal.

You know… the ideal of marriage or the ideal of who you think that person is or should be.

ideal:

adjective
1 ideal flying weather: perfect, best possible, consummate, supreme, excellent, flawless, faultless, exemplary, classic, model, ultimate, quintessential. ANTONYMS bad.

2 an ideal concept: abstract, theoretical, conceptual, notional; hypothetical, speculative, conjectural, suppositional. ANTONYMS concrete.

3 an ideal world: unattainable, unachievable, impracticable, chimerical; unreal, fictitious, hypothetical, theoretical, ivory-towered, imaginary, illusory, idealized, idyllic, visionary, utopian, fairy-tale. ANTONYMS attainable, real.

noun
1 no woman could be the ideal he imagined for himself: perfection, paragon, epitome, shining example, ne plus ultra, nonpareil, dream.

Most of the time when you marry, you don’t know who you are, much less who the other person really is.  And, marriage is going to change you.  It’s going to change them.  More accurately, it’s going to reveal the true person versus the person you’ve created in your head.

There comes a moment in every relationship when you realize, “You’re not the person I married.”  Yes they are.  They’re not the ideal you married but make no mistake, they are the person.

This is especially true for young couples going into “ministry.”  Here’s why:

He has a persona that is expressed from behind the microphone or in that setting where his leadership “gifting” is being exhibited.  You are NOT marrying that.  You are marrying him and those are two different things.

And, I’m sure she would make the perfect little pastor’s wife but those expectations come from outside.  They work their way in and take up residence.  And it’s toxic.  You are marrying her.  Not the ideal that together you’ll make a great team so you can go out, “grab the world by the tail, pull it down and put it in your pocket.”

I think this can be true in every relationship.  Change the context and window dressing but you’ll still find the temptation to love the ideal and not the person. 

And… you’ll… be… disappointed… every… time.

Instead, toss all that stuff out and simply love the person.  Flaws and all.  Give grace and permission for them to simply be them. 

That’s not to say you shouldn’t grow or work at becoming a better you. In fact, that’s the best gift you can give your family. That’s the best gift you can give to the world.  A better you. 

But that’s the key.  A better you.  Not a better them.  Focus on that and I promise you’ll be happier, they’ll be happier, and the odds of becoming a veteran couple of decades will improve dramatically.